The Psycho Cyclist
The Perfect Perfect Specimen
Howard Davies is a hard working and quite charming cyclist who has thankfully given up on keeping abreast with the brilliant waywardness of his son Miles. Howard is so nice - we all feel embarrassed passing Howard in a race that you want to apologise and offer him a cup of tea.
Howard's a builder and provides the sage advice, stability and structure we all need in the peloton. I reckon if all buildings had been left to Howard we'd have no problems with leaky homes. I reckon if we had left all buildings to Miles every home would have water streaming in through every join. But that's not fair - we're assuming Miles would get around to building anything!
But Howard truly does represent the grounded concern and goodwill essential to make a cycling club function, and without the likes of clubs would turn into peculiar Specimens (you know the ‘cycling specimens' we've already highlighted!) Howard also has a devilish turn a speed, a cheeky acceleration of legs that are almost as tanned as Ross Legers. But not quite that good looking!
Derek Ward, some say is a crusty old bugger, but that's merely the coating of dried salt from the dried sweat caked over his face after another thundering 100 km ride that proves that age is only an excuse for listening to dated music and watching Coronation Street, not athletic prowess. Derek bashes out the km's and is another who has redefined retirement to mean far more than walking the corgi, reading the paper and checking the specials at the local Woolies. Funnily enough Derek's more active than most non retirees, and is testament that the adage as we get older we have the option to get fitter and crustier.
Derek wears a protective sheath over his left leg, which if we are to believe the rhetoric from Derek is to protect our eyes from the bulging Incredible Hulk-like muscle and veiny definition from his impressive calf. But we all know that Derek's lower leg is protecting one of Kapiti Cycling's greatest secret's. Unfortunately Deverek knows everything and Derek has a secret bionic lower left limb that gives him a six-million-dollar-man-advantage. Listen hard while riding with Derek and you're hear the occasional buzz and tick. It's not Derek's heart pacer trying to keep up, it's his leg beeping R2D2-like in preparation for his next attack. Of course - Derek keeps his international spy operations (as a bionic man) under the radar, and very rarely will slip his leg into bionic action (he'd whip the butts of the scratch riders without raising a sweat if he did). So when you see Derek give an unusual turn of speed, just check the flashing lights and puffs of smoke coming from his left lower leg.
Brian Bush, although with a rugby prop from the hardy West Coast's surname, has convinced himself that you can indeed ride at ‘Lightspeed'. Without a doubt if he rode at 186 000 miles per second he may be able to keep up with Miles, Finlay and Ross Legers bloody tandem. But someone needs to tell him that whatever flash-dangled piece of expensive kit he buys in his pursuit of cycling success he still has to pedal. What's great to hear is that Brian is halting his search for speed when it comes to pumping himself full of steroids, or trailing EPO. I think he know's his local doctor won't have the proper masking agents!
Instead Brian's search for speed has seen the appearance of a nifty tight fitting red costume which looks pretty good, (forgetting the comparisons to the Chinese gymnastic team: less the impressively athletic body) but are compromised by the most non stream-lined legs in the KCC. Brian needs to realise the space shuttle would never commence a mission with hairy legs, and - as Ross Leger will vouch for - his miniature hairy wind parachutes are taking thousands of miles off his average per second speed.
But all this search for ultra speed is a contradiction as Brian excels at ultra endurance rides, riding around Lake Taupo so many times it's renders one dizzy. I'm sure Brian is seeking that combination of riding so fast that you end a race before you start. Just like Dash - the little character on ‘The Incredibles' movie, Brian is opening up another paradigm in cycling - riding long distances at ferocious lightspeed! Eat yah heart out Lance!!
This is the fastest (ok - and most illegal) Kapiti cycling contraption we have. But give me the smiling happy demur, all the while hiding a secret bionic leg - with the gear, if not quite the leg power to ride at lightspeed. We have victory with a Capital V.