 The Psycho Cyclist
Going back to the idea of creating the perfect cyclist - what else do members of the Kapiti Club have to offer? First off - youth, speed and enthusiasm. Vaughn Pretorius gets faster as he gets older - which is significant as most of the Kapiti Club are getting slower as age wrinkles the skin and shrinks the muscles. Our Vaughn has tree trunks for legs. (If he was a girl he would slap me on the face for noting this - but it's actually a compliment for male cyclists, and it gives him Mark Cavendish speed on the sprint.) Ironically, he's not a muscley rider - in that he doesn't seem the type go to the gym to lift weights, scream in agony and perve at scantily clad ladies. (And on that note girls should be off limit as they are a gross distraction to young Vaughn's training). For Vaughn has been spinning (HIS GEARS!) as the restrictions of youth dictate. Once he gets bigger gears on his 9th Avanti bike (as he crashes through his insurance claims) he'll be spinning his massive chain ring (amongst other things). If we thought he's fast now I say watch out - thunder thighs is coming! Next good health and excessive finger wagging!! David Brazier exhibits far too much health and organisational skill - and just to really rub salt into the underachievers wound, he's pretty damn good on the bike too. Dave's following up on the marshalling roster puts Amway to shame and his strategies may well be incorporated into the next Mormon recruitment drive. Dave's so healthy he diplomatically advised Weight Watchers that their menus not only tasted worse than stale carrot peelings - they reduced hill climbing efficiency and included that cardinal sin - CALORIES! Dave's tenacious and skilled hill climbing ability, we are assured, has nothing to do with the drugs he pedals at his pharmacy. Although everyone constantly asks the question - is Finlay good because of the concoction of pharmaceutical powder sprinkled on his Weet-Bix, or the genes passed on from dad? Every perfect cyclist needs a female perspective. Diana Borman always comes across as incredibly keen on the bike. Bobbing away, she tackles the big rides with the big boys (as the majority of the male fraternity at Kapiti like to think they are). She lets her pedalling do the talking. Of course being a female cyclist has inbuilt advantages: shaving legs for women is kinda normal. Men know that shaving legs makes them go faster (and of course they couldn't be beaten by a woman!) so indulge in this go faster tradition. In fact, having a female cyclist in the bunch inspires all males to go faster. I'm not sure if they are just showing off or if there is something else going on here??? John McCardle is Kapiti Cycling's answer to the ‘Sound of Music'. He adds rhythm and melody to the perfect cyclist. We can see it now - John and the sing-along members of the Kapiti Club screeching Judy Garland classics from the top of the Mangakotukutuku hill. John knows that cycling and music have similarities - finding a tempo and rhythm on the guitar and bike are critical. And nailing a tune in perfect harmony is like riding when the sun is shining, the countryside is carpeted in green and each pedal stroke and breath combine in a sumptuous symphony . But the glories of each have their own demons. Rock music is a supposedly a cliché of sex, drugs and anarchy. And likewise with cycling, there's heaps of drugs and anarchy (a typical Kapiti Club committee meeting). But where do I find the sex? So Kapiti Cycling can add another counter to impending competition; if I saw thundering youthful thighs, the epitome of health and timeliness combined with the grace of the female species singing joyful Beatles tracks - I'd be worried!
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