Finally recovered from his trip to the pub the infamous Deverek Smittle slips a little extra into Perkys drink putting Kapiti’s second silver medallist at the 2012 Hawkes Bay Nationals in an uncompromising position, with 3 too many chardonnays, and a roofy in the system blurting every cliché known in the book explaining his second place. BURP! The following is a truthful account of what may have transpired.
Any complaints about the following can be registered with the Broadcasting Standards Authority and will be appropriately forwarded to Deverek for ignoring.
Deverek Smittle: (DS). So come on Perky – Kapiti wanted gold and you stuffed up the sprint didn’t you? No one ever remembers second place getters. So – in reality your ‘victory’ is like the All Blacks losing the World Cup final?
Perky: Thanks Deverek, and how many fingers am I holding up? I was actually thinking of a top ten finish, after my top twenty finish last year and I kinda stumbled through the bunch to claim what for me was a pretty good second place as sprinting isn’t exactly my forte. I was pleased in that I helped chase down the break away on the end of the second lap (including the dangerous David Meo from PNP – who I knew was a threat.) I jumped well on other surges on the hills, covering most breaks reasonably well. But I was actually cramping terribly on the final short sharp hill climb before the lead up to the sprint, and it was only the great lead out work from Brian Bushe who gave me my ‘time in the sun’. My silver medal is hanging on my daughters wall as the night before she had a health scare – and it’s dedicated to her.
DS – YAWN yawn …. ‘Time in the Sun’ Perky…, sounds like a bad experience under the sun lamp, and as I don’t like kids - sentimentality doesn’t sit comfortably with me. (my finger is half way down my throat). I also noted your slightly half assed tanned legs were poorly shaved, (one too many excuses for not giving us gold!) But what we cannot excuse is confirmation that you paid off your lead out bitch Brian Bushe – (5 x $100 lumps deposited in Brian off shore Fijian bank account). There is also speculation that you employed the services of a bike witch doctor, A Bike Whisperer who caste a terrible spell over the opposition and gave you a meditative trance which turned you into a zen-like stoned-out ball of ferocious sprinting muscle. (gee Perky you have a great Public Relations team)… unlike your usual just plan stoned ‘Where-am-I’, look. So can you confirm what drugs you took and do you have any left! Oh and the final running joke is that unlike K2 – your wheels actually kept together – or did you remember to tighten the spokes this time Perky?
Perky – Think you’re pretty smart aye Deverek, yet I notice by the sunburt state of your head clearly you have no idea what a hat is. Actually my spokes were tightened. And my spoke tightener is actually pretty damn good. If you have problems tightening your spokes – or do not know what a spoke is – the Bike Whisperer is your man http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Kapiti-Bike-Whisperer/174745852625005
But Deverek - letting out my other secrets proves you are a nasty little snitch. And let me warn you that the cycling community is working out who the hell you are as you misrepresent all that is solid and respectable in the peloton. But, just for those who may care a little bit – the Masters 3 race was bloody good hard race, and thanks to a specific training schedule, (it wasn’t just chasing Fins tight little backside), I managed to turn up on the podium! Probably my first and last time.
DS – So tell us Perky what the bloody hell did you do? And keep my burnt head out of it. We know the drugs you take impair your performance (rumours are you cut your wine consumption from 6 bottles a day to two before the nationals), turning yourself into a high performing cycling alcoholic; but more legal than taking EPO. Just! But Christ almighty - your urine would have been a sickly yellow colour and stank to high heaven! We have to raise ours hats that your usual combination of senseless attacks and sprinting with the speed and grace of a drunken sloth collected some bling. So for us sober mortals - give us some insights into what you did while breathing a Church Hill 2008 Chardonnay on the podium?
Perky: Finally a half intelligent question Deverek, for the ‘sober mortals’ ( I reckon you’re the piss head Deverek – blaming others for your condition) LOL… but asking me what I did for the nationals is a question I can attempt to answer. For starters - I blame my strength on the foundation developed with the K2 guys. This followed by lots of racing and a specific training tailored for the Nationals course made it all happen.
The specific training included real power hill surges from 1 to 3 minutes (matching the demanding Nationals course), and the stuff coach Bob kept ranting about!!! Some of these sessions were sick! Absolute max V02 blasts, with 100% hill sprint intervals. A goodie was my Maungotuks Queen Elizabeth session, about 1.50hrs: Open the suffer box! A training programme I did 4 times:
Ride up to the Maungotuks at a high tempo to get warm. I began with savage 30 second sprint - then 30 sec rest up the Maungotuks – do this 5-6 times, then smash it over the top of the rise and sprint full- throttle down to the 4 wheel drive park area. If you don’t hate yourself and question the silliness of cycle racing you haven’t gone hard enough. Turn around and then have a strong ride to the top of again, surging again at the top of the hill. (visualise chasing Finaly Braziers buttocks – it works wonders!) Then roll down the Maungotuks and throw in 3.30 min time trial back to the Eldon retirement village. Then I’d turn around ride strongly back past the base of the Maungotuks, and cruise (enjoy the unsealed part) to the Whareroa Farm car park. I’d then have another time trial to the Raumati beach turnoff from Queen Elizabeth park – hitting the final rise as if you’re life depended on it. Often in races you get dropped at the crest of hills – I was. Practise what you are weak at. It was all about imitating the stresses of the course, so that for every attack or surge – I’d hopefully be there. I would then ride hard back to the Maungotuks (surging up ever rise), and ride up the hill one more time at mid-full tempo – hopefully having energy up the sleeve. I’d then ride home wiping the sweat from my brow! This session certainly gave plenty of hard simulated racing training.
DS – Hang on Perky – love the insight – especially for a failed Gold Medallist. But do you have any other points before we move on to more good looking, intelligent and capable members of the Kapiti Cycling Club who performed well at the Nationals?
Perky: Can I say that you are a prick Deverek – to your face! And, for the love of God cover up that shining head, you’re blinding me. Would’ve helped if you could grow some bloody hair up there! But now that is off my chest – my final words are that anyone who is targeting a specific race Ride Over the Course…. My warm up race over the Nationals course (3 laps) I remember well – I was totally smashed by the last lap – I was so dehydrated I would have stolen the bottle of my racing comrade. That’s always been my problem dehydration. So I spend most of my life drinking. It works for me;-) My problem is the choice of a 15 year Glenfiddich or Oban! Come race day – orange juice was triumphant!
Also, reflecting on the season I remember my most amazing race was actually finishing one of the Potato Guy Series winter races last year. I started and finished in A Grade! Never had I done that before. I was so pleased coping with the attacks of the likes of Silas Cullen, Dan Waluszewski and a few Wheelworks boys. I still have memories of Steve Chapman yelling at me FOCUS, FOCUS (which was a polite way for saying - “get your sorry ass on to that attack”.) That higher level of racing is tremendously hard – but bloody enjoyable – & if you can hang on; it lifts you to another level of racing. Riding several scratch races at the Kapiti Tuesday night racers was another plus that gave me great speed training. Finlay, Sam and Miles may disagree – but I took the odd turn at the front! Ha ha!! Those rides were so satisfying to just survive!
DS: Ah enough of you Perky – and has anyone told you - you do go on, and on and on and on and on - then we all get bloody bored, and my shining noggin is just the solar panel recharging the machine! But I mostly admire you for stepping up and pretending to be a scratch rider… So what can you say about the Nationals themselves?
Perky: Dianna Borman is the great silent achiever. She stormed home with a sprint that may have even drawn a smirk from coach Bob’s tight drawn lips. An awesome ride considering her injury several months earlier – but maybe the rest was just what she needed.
Also a mention for Glynis who accepted the invitation to ride the Nationals unlike so many others who wimped out – for many valid reasons – of course, we know who you are!!!!!!
Finlay Brazier rode such an intelligent race – if he was a sprinter he’d be on the podium!!! – read about the elite race here; http://wheelworks.co.nz/category/wheelworksracing/eventreports/
Finlay has all the goods to be a great elite level rider – it’s just balancing the demands of becoming a high powered advertising executive with riding 600 km a week (and keeping the temptation of sexy babes and beer at an arm’s length!). Watch this space as he negotiates his training schedule with Bob.
Neil Harwood and Paul Forster both had a great ride in a tough race with Dave Mann – a Commonwealth Medalist - after the first lap the pace was blistering.
But I want to repeat the road call for all the champions of the Nationals, All champions:
Dianna Borman 2nd place Womens Masters 4.
Jayne Parsons 3rd Tandem.
Dianna Borman 5th place Womens Masters 4 individual Time-trial.
Glynis Te Maipi-Kemp 4th place Womens Masters 3.
Finlay Brazier 5th place U/23 .
John Pratt 10th place Masters 7.
Brian Bush 12th Masters 3 individual Time-trial.
Vaughn Pretorius 17th U/19
Brian Bush 21st Masters 3
Des Batten 13th Masters 7.
Neil Harwood 23rd Masters 4.
Paul Forster 27th Masters 4.
Charles Salmon 39th U/19
Ex-pat Derek Ward 5th Masters 7.
A great ride by all riders - the weather was nice (but really I don’t give a shit about the weather) – and as far as the Nationals go it was nice. Blahhhhhhhhh music was playing – and what was the final tune before my race – a Glen Campbell number – ‘Playground Susie’ – check it out - it was the perfect song for me to ride for my lovely Hannah.
DS– Thanks Perky. And any final words?
Perky: The final mention goes to Joe Clarkson, who did what most club members didn’t do – he turned up and gave it a go. For me he captured the spirit of the Nationals - the unheralded champion, the epitome of the effort riders put in trying their very best, We have the winners on the podium, revelling in the hype and attention, (and cheap, mass produced medals plopped around their necks), but we should acknowledge the likes of Joe who gave it a crack.
Joe was in my race and I knew he’d find it hard to keep up on the climbs. But he tried and suffered as much as anyone I’m sure. Turning up at the start line you risk failure, but give your all, when it’s so easy to sit back and twiddle your thumbs and say ‘maybe next year’.
Go on - try next year!
DS- It's been entertaining getting to know you Perky, maybe next time you wont accept the offer of a free drink so readily, but for now I'll let you sleep it off.
The interview that Perky cant remember. 